It is February 25th and according to my blogger account I haven't posted a blog since January 16th. Over a month since I've even considered writing. I'm not surprised by this. The last month and a half has been one of exciting news, overwhelming fear, pure exhaustion followed by tremendous love. I've been petrified and have had a difficult time finding the words to describe how I have felt so I just decided to go dark for a while.
Here I am though. Rising from the depths of my ever spinning mind and finally putting pen to paper...or fingers to keys! You follow me. Shortly after the New Year we discovered that I am pregnant with our second child. Visions of cute maternity style, nursery decorating, and cute baby leggings danced in my head. However, once that wore off I began to get nervous about what this means for our life. Like I want to cry and hide under the covers scared. Right now we are at a place of freedom (to some degree) with our Little A. We're comfortable. He's old enough to go to the potty alone. He goes to bed without a fight and stays there all night long. He can put pants on. We can have a fairly rational conversation with him when he gets upset to calm him down.
What happened is I began to remember what life with a baby was like 4 years ago and reality hit me like a sand bag. Sleepless nights, Nursing. Snappy attitudes because of sleepless nights. Post-pregnancy fat body. I got spooked. That was a hard period of our lives and I was pretty stoked when we got passed it. Now everyone is different. Some people function quite well on 5 hours of sleep. Some women walk around and I wonder what makeup secret they must have because they don't look tired AT ALL. They must have those children you hear about who just startsleeping through the night on day 2 of life. I am not these women nor was I that lucky in the sleep department. If I don't get my required 7-8 hours I turn into a beast of a woman. Snappy. Mean. Haggard looking. I might as well growl at people. Trust me. The new puppy gave me a taste of that life again. It wasn't pretty.
I sense that I could get some hate mail for not writing a post about the joys of pregnancy. How amazing little ones are and so on. I also realize that millions of mothers deal with these same issues. Many women have multiple children..some all toddlers! I shiver! Those women are amazing. But don't mistake me though. I LOVE being a Mom. Never in a million years thought I'd be one but I LOVE it. It's a tough job but it has 100% made me a better version of myself. However,on top of my fearful moments I have also had moments of overwhelming love. I look at Aiden and he's so sweet and precious and holy shit...we did that! We made him. He's awesome! And then I get all tingly and butterflies soar in my tummy because I get to bring another awesome person in the world.
We get to take baby #2 to the beach, the mountains, on planes, on picnics, to the park, for hikes, the farmers market. I get to dip the little ones toes in the ocean for the first time. Watch those little eyes light up with wonder. We get to smell that delicious baby smell for months and buy loads of baby lotion and Dreft (and 'accidentally' use it on our own clothes)..more amazing smells. We get to look at precious baby cheeks and kiss them trying hard to resist the urge to bite them because they are so chunky and cute. We get to watch Aiden become a big brother. It has finally hit me.This is my family. I am a Mom. It is growing. We love each other so much and that love is only going to grow.
So as the sleepiness of my first trimester lifts, so do many of my fears. Instead I look forward to seeing what life will be like as a family of 5(can't forget Finley the pup) regardless of how much sleep I get!