Do you ever catch yourself questioning why you were 'built' a certain way? I don't mean built in the sense of body type, but rather why you were born with certain passions or talents and if you have those talents or things you're pretty good at, what is it all for? What are you 'supposed' to be doing with your life? You'd assume that if you were born with a talent or a specific passion that surely someone up there expected you to put them to good use right? If you are a gifted pianist should you spend your days as a bank teller? No way. Shouldn't you be playing and composing music?
I find myself pondering these things often. I did this way too frequently for a period of time when I really did not know which direction my life was headed (pre-marriage and motherhood). I just didnt have a clear vision of what I should be doing with my life from a career standpoint and still struggler with that. If I loved to perform, was able to memorize lyrics, execute dance moves shouldn't I be doing something related to that with my life? Or had I just not figured out the 'why' for these questions just yet. It frustrates me when I see other people finding their 'passion' or just 'doing what they love' as if they never had to give it a thought, because I know what I love but I sure haven't figured out how to monetize singing in the shower or into my hairbrush.
I mean, would I have this uncanny ability to perfectly imagine videos or performances if I wasn't meant to do it? I once staged an entire rock ballet to the album "Songs about Jane" by Maroon 5 and still think it would be brilliant on Broadway. How is it that I remember EVERY lyric to random songs (Disney songs from adorable cartoons even, and can perform them the way Walt intended). Truth be told, I had never actually worked at having a career on Broadway or in music, which is ironic and sad considering my ONLY goal after college was to get to New York. In my mind, it would play out like "RENT" and I would just manifest into an artist, live in a crappy loft with other artists and get discovered somehow.
But alas, I've started to understand the 'why' a bit better. Maybe I (and all of the other tortured thinkers out there) all read too much into what our 'life's goal/purpose' is and tie our hopes to one specific talent we have or passion. Maybe life isn't about just finding your 'passion'. For me it clicked pretty recently. I was driving the Lil' Fella to school a few weeks ago. I have created a play list on my Iphone specifically for him of some of his favorite tunes. Many a week night we have little dance parties/sing offs (when Dad is out of town) and it's my favorite thing to do with him. One of his ALL time favorites is "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King. He loves The Lion King in general, but I realized that what he loves is that I take on the role of Pumba with sincere dedication and conviction. I make him laugh so hard I think he's going to burst when I talk like this beloved warthog. In fact, many of the songs we sing together end with him rolling on the ground. This gives me a deep satisfaction of course.
AH HA! I get it! Someone up there had plans for me and they didn't turn out like I had originally thought (with my name on a Marquee or starring in a music video), but they turned out BETTER than I had ever hoped. God knew I'd have an audience of ONE some day and that I would need my own special way to connect with him; through music and being silly. He wanted me to remember every lyric to every Disney song so that I could perform them for my kid, bust out a song and dance from "Pete's Dragon" after not seeing it for years. Find my inner Robin Williams when we sing songs from Aladdin, complete with facial expressions and dance moves. "Friend Like Me"? Nailed it! He wanted me to be able to share my love of the music with him, and put him in stitches.
So while at times I may feel lost still, I can cling to this notion that it's not for nothing...it was for something, something I just didn't understand until now, something bigger than a marquee or a video..it was for Motherhood. And I'll take those giggles over a standing ovation any day.