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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Confessions of a Former Popstar Wannabe!

We were all sitting around in my Mama and Papa’s living room. My Papa was explaining a particular route he takes to get to Panama City (he is the human equivalent to a GPS system. He laughs in the face of Google maps. Actually, he probably has no idea what Google maps is… but if you're in southern alabama and lost with little cell service, give him a call. He's got you!) My brother was out on the front screened in porch likely reading his Nintendo Power magazine and trying to defeat Zelda....again. My little sister was quietly sitting on my Mom’s lap while the adults continued conversing.  It was the perfect time for me to sneak away to the back guest room where my brother and I slept when visiting my grandparents down South.

I grabbed my Walkman and headphones, went into the room and closed the door. This room had a full length mirror on the back of the door, and I didn’t have one of these at our house so my level of excitement instantly sky-rocketed. It was the perfect spot.  I delicately took my grandparents hanging clothes off the back door and laid them on one of the twin beds. I put on some lip smackers, placed my headphones on my ears, and flipped my tape over to side B.  I grabbed my brush, closed my eyes, turned up the volume and pressed play. 

The stage goes dark. The fans are screaming and cheering, some are even crying with excitement.  It reminds me of the fans you used to see faint when Michael Jackson enters the room or gives autographs. All of a sudden a single pale blue light focuses on center stage and the music begins. I am rising up from a secret door under the stage and the fans are LOSING their minds. I’m wearing my white leather jacket with the blue fringe hanging from the arms that I got for Christmas.  I begin…” I get lost…in your eyes…and I feeeeeel sooo hypnotized…”  I feel alive, picturing my well thought out choreography, the band members swaying and looking at me with awe. I catch a glimpse of some friends who came out to see the show. I give them a wave to acknowledge them and I know they’ll go back to school and brag about this encounter for years to come.  I shake someone’s hand in the front row and they hold onto me as long as possible. I am exactly where I am meant to be.  I am the biggest pop star of my generation.

A knock on the door. “Knock, knock” I don’t hear anything. My music is cranked up full tilt and I’m about to climax at the end of the song, "Oh I'll be FOUND...when I am looooost....."  The knocking gets noticeably louder (KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK) and I’m jolted. “Amanda? AMANDA!? What are you doing honey?”  It’s my Mom…lights fade to black.

I look at myself in the full length mirror, take my headphones off and open the door.  Reality strikes. I’m still just a normal 9 year old hanging out with her family on vacation.

 I spent hours doing this as a young girl, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I still do it occasionally  *cough, all the time*(when my son and husband aren’t home. Okay, an hour ago.). I was the ultimate hair brush singer.  My music selections have evolved over the years naturally; Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Janet, Paula, a little Britt,  an awkward TLC phase, Pink, No Doubt, etc...At the time I had belief that I was destined for great things. I will become a famous singer. I had what it takes. I was always a good dancer and a performer. I had the ability to memorize lyrics or dance moves from a music video after seeing it twice on MTV.. (Do you still remember the moves to "If" by Janet because I do).  I had personality and just know I could have rocked a TV interview with Dick Clark or Carson Day if I had to. I didn’t get scared or nervous in front of a crowd. I just didn’t have the tools to make it happen. Or maybe I was afraid to try.  Or maybe I actually sucked. I’m not sure.

This was before shows like American Idol existed. Star Search was my beacon of hope but most of those kids were from Hollywood or had stage moms.  I lived in a fairly small town in Illinois and the closest my parents came to being stage parents was taking me to my dance recitals, attending every showchoir competition, or coming to see me in a musical every night that it played. They win the role of best supportive parents flawlessly. Besides, my Mom and Dad would probably just think it’s cute if I told them what I REALLY wanted to be when I grew up.


I was lost somewhere between fantasy and reality and had a hard time differentiating the two. It has taken me years to figure this out and perhaps therapy would have been a viable option and still could I suppose. I guess blogging will have to do.   I was very similar to Roxy Hart (ala Renee Zellwegger in "Chicago") in the sense that every opportunity or daydream evolved into me performing. I'd zone out and just like that I could perfectly visualize it.  If I was at a concert I could actually see myself up on that stage taking Paula's place and just crushing it. I could be walking down the crowded streets of a city listening to my music and envision myself in a music video.

I was CONVINCED I  should have been on Kids Incorporated or at least the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse…”The Party” was missing the 6th member and they didnt even know it (who remembers them?? Allow me...)

 You haven't heard of me have you? Exactly! These days I'm a Mom, a Wife, and an ufulfilled employee just trying to figure herself out. I've reached a point in my life where I am ready to take control of who I really am (figure out who that is), embrace my flaws, laugh at my past and determine my future. I'm Wonderfully Lost and hope you join me on this ride.....



  1. Ps. Didn't know you had all these completed- in catching up on them today!

  2. Veronica Jensen THANK YOU!!!!! LOVE YOU